Rockstar of the Week

It's DMX! Oh, he's just the wacky neighbor from the crackhouse next door you never had. This is my favorite excerpt:

"None of this would have happened if DMX had just paid the parking fee [and left]" Queens Assistant District Attorney Corrine Henderson told the New York Daily News.

She also said that DMX's pants had fallen down to his ankles, but he was so high he didn't notice. Henderson added that DMX wasn't very cooperative with police while being arrested.

"He told them, 'I make moves. I make people disappear. Take these cuffs off me and we can go at it,'" she said.

But fear not! X eventually "caught a flight to Amsterdam, where he will kick of[f] a European tour this weekend." Yes, Amsterdam. For a "tour."

Hey, did you also know that DMX first met his wife while robbing her house? Hee.

And, Hey, Some Dude Killed Some Other Dude with a Spoon.

Yes, with a spoon. After he stole this other one-legged dude's phone.

Oh, Look: It's a Man Whose Tatooed Himself Like a Leopard...

...and now lives in a hut away from everybody else.

Oh, Look: It's a Man Peeing Into a Box of Kittens.

(nicked from PB)

.
' ', .-----------.
/ / _\ ( Delightful!)
| O o /_ /
| ._______ . '--------'
\ '-----'/
',_____,'
/| / | |
\ | | ,
\|/ ..,. meow?
Oo,"' '. /
/ \ ' ________
/ | | | / | |kittens | |
C > < ) |________|_|

Ah, the Irony of Now Having to Use Cigarettes as Currency...

Tractor Man: catcher/punk or jocker/man/pitcher/daddy? All the girls want to know...

"I wasnae old enough to remember but it wasnae a bird that shit against a wall and the sun hatched me!"

This is great! I think every bar should run profiles of their regulars.

Anyway, my dad has apparently taken to popping in on occasion here, when he also apparently isn't trying to determine the original gender of this supposed pre-op that works at the local Costco that has had him flummoxed for well over a year. When I go to visit, he's very intent on having someone other than my mother corroborate his findings; but of course, everytime he spots "her," I turn around to see simply a gangly Caucasian person with their back turned, only to be engulfed by the crowd, never to be seen the rest of the time we're there. Loch Ness Monster-stylee.

My brother is appalled by Crystal's, but we both agree that $6 is criminal for pint of Guinness. I think our dad does, too. Completely a propos of nothing, Crystal's is not be confused with Krystal, with an outlet likewise situated on the Marietta Square, with their fucking nasty Breakfast in a Bowl abomination and interior that betrays a bouquet of piss and b.o. Thankfully, my dad stopped going to Krystal around mid-1993.

*Points and Laughs*

Jesus H. Christ. The "trauma" of having to change your college email address? Come on. If you're too goddamn lazy and too dull-as-dishwater to think up a handle for Yahoo! or Hotmail, then you should just drop your computer in the tub while you take a bath and kill two birds with one stone.

Rockstars of the Week

Old Swiss dude loses his false teeth after a prostitute kicks him in the teeth in a public toilet.

That is such a sublime mix of trashy moxie and pheremones, I don't whether to laugh or cry. Probably laugh, though; because having some prostitute kick you in the teeth in a toilet and cause you to lose your false teeth is just inexplicably funny. Like crotches being hit by whiffle ball bats.

iBufoonery

Recently (okay, yesterday) I had a bit too much to drink and decided to go shopping on iTunes. Kind of like getting blitzed on a plane and ordering a bunch of shit from SkyMall on an Airfone, except sadder. Anyway, I decided to get songs that I thought were absolutely awesome when I was half my age, because I was drunk, and I thought it was a good theme.

Thankfully, there were only two that came up. I once messed around with the dubbing button on my stereo in 7th grade as "Always the Last to Know" by Del Amitri played on craptastic Star94 so that "Always the last to know" sounded like "You asshole." I also thought it was, like, this really cool monologue by this guy who cheated on this girl, because he used all these different verbs ("If he's treating you / If he's pleaded with you / If he cheated on you) and a cowbell and stuff! And it was super-deep ("Although we share the same city / And feel the same sun / When your winter comes"... What? What will happen? I must know! ..."I'll be the last to know." Ah, referencing the title. Of course!).

The other was "Faithful" by Go West. I really have no excuse for this one; in fact, I've already gone back in time and given myself a swirlie in the middle school girls' locker room circa September 1992. It's an evil hybrid of Adult Contemporary and faux-Northern Soul with a sloppy, tinny, cacophonous production. But yet, my ears cannot turn deaf and refuse to bleed because "I will make you see / You can count on me," and I've just gotten a glimpse of my ultra-shitty haircut I got at Supercuts the week before school started that made me look like a boy and my even lamer Duck Head sweatshirt and this awful plaid blazer I got at the Macy's in Herald Square, and I feel a little twinge of sympathy for myself.

They didn't have "Sleeping Satellite" by Tasmin Archer, though, which was my actual favorite. It got remade as a dance song last year and didn't sound that bad. Considering. Actually, most "I love whales!" songs sound really good as Hi-NRG.

Hey, at least it was never emo. Cheesy-bad pop beats the shit out of emo everytime. Fact-a-mundo.

But anyway, the conclusion to all this is that most 12-year-olds are morons and should not be consulted for any decision involving the slightest hint of aesthetic taste. That is why processed foods and wine cooler advertising are directed solely at them. QED.